house of total bullshit
(start of scene)
gordan-hey jamie, what happened to that sheet that we put on the couch?
jamie-well, i've been sleeping on a bare mattress for about a month, so i thought i'd put it back on my bed. and by 'we put it on the couch' you mean you put it on the couch, right?
gordan-well, it was just sitting on the couch. if it's yours you should put it in your room. this is the common room, everything in it is the whole household's possession.
jamie-it wasn't sitting on the couch, it was hanging to dry, because nothing dries properly in my room. and when you say everything in the kitchen is the household's possession, that's bullshit.
(marley and ryan enter the kitchen)
ryan-oh man, what's jamie freaking out about now?
jamie-nothing! i just think you guys shouldn't be pissed when i want my bedsheet back to put on my bed.
marley-well, it shouldn't have been in the kitchen in the kitchen in the first place.
ryan-yeah jamie, god forbid you give something up to better the look of the kitchen.
jamie-i would if it wasn't the only fucking bedsheet i have!
marley-oh that is such a lie. you have more than one bedsheet!
jamie-no! i really don't
marley-jamie, don't be so stupid
(jamie starts to get really upset)
jamie-i'm not lying! it's all i have!
gordan-whatever jamie
ryan-yeah jamie, geez
(an assholish laugh is shared between ryan and gordan. in the background, marley surveys a can of food with a dent in it.)
marley-hey guys, if a can has a concave dent in it, is it alright to eat? because i know cans with convex dents can contain bacteria.
(jamie speaks up, trying to avoid the previous subject)
jamie-i've eaten food from cans with concave dents. it's been fine. i'm pretty sure it's alright to eat anyway.
marley-well yeah, i'm not surprised you ate it. you'd eat anything. hey, gordan. what do you think?
gordan-well, i'd have to say whatever the opposite of what jamie said is the truth. jamie's pretty stupid. and a cokehead. well, that's what i told my mom anyway. hahaha my mom hates you jamie!
(jamie starts to cry)
ryan-jamie, stop being so fucking pathetic
gordan-yeah jamie! jeez, you know we're just kidding.
marley-most of the time we're kidding. sometimes you are pretty stupid.
ryan/gordan/marley-POUND THAT!!
(the boys thrust their fists together, as if they've accomplished something great. jamie goes downstairs, angry, but a lot more sad.)
annnnnndddd...... SCENE!!!!
that's another play i think i'm going to write. it's about a girl named jamie who's 3 male room mates alienate her to the point of depression. her male room mates (gordan, the 'hip' one, ryan, the 'rock star' and marley, the 'genius') seem to get kicks out of making her feel terrible. i don't know how it will end.
yes. this is KIND OF a hyperbole of what happens in my household. not all of it is exagerrated however. some of the things in this fantastic play have actually taken place. sure, the male room mates arn't AS terrible in real life. but they come pretty damn close.
i may not know how jamie will get out of the terrible place she is living in, but i do know how MY hellish arrangement at 1332 dresden row is going to end. as soon as the lease is up (come on july) i will most likely live by myself (well, edie sedgwick will come with me) wherever i can afford to. and i will most likely never associate with any of my awful room mates ever again. i think that will be quite nice.
gordan-hey jamie, what happened to that sheet that we put on the couch?
jamie-well, i've been sleeping on a bare mattress for about a month, so i thought i'd put it back on my bed. and by 'we put it on the couch' you mean you put it on the couch, right?
gordan-well, it was just sitting on the couch. if it's yours you should put it in your room. this is the common room, everything in it is the whole household's possession.
jamie-it wasn't sitting on the couch, it was hanging to dry, because nothing dries properly in my room. and when you say everything in the kitchen is the household's possession, that's bullshit.
(marley and ryan enter the kitchen)
ryan-oh man, what's jamie freaking out about now?
jamie-nothing! i just think you guys shouldn't be pissed when i want my bedsheet back to put on my bed.
marley-well, it shouldn't have been in the kitchen in the kitchen in the first place.
ryan-yeah jamie, god forbid you give something up to better the look of the kitchen.
jamie-i would if it wasn't the only fucking bedsheet i have!
marley-oh that is such a lie. you have more than one bedsheet!
jamie-no! i really don't
marley-jamie, don't be so stupid
(jamie starts to get really upset)
jamie-i'm not lying! it's all i have!
gordan-whatever jamie
ryan-yeah jamie, geez
(an assholish laugh is shared between ryan and gordan. in the background, marley surveys a can of food with a dent in it.)
marley-hey guys, if a can has a concave dent in it, is it alright to eat? because i know cans with convex dents can contain bacteria.
(jamie speaks up, trying to avoid the previous subject)
jamie-i've eaten food from cans with concave dents. it's been fine. i'm pretty sure it's alright to eat anyway.
marley-well yeah, i'm not surprised you ate it. you'd eat anything. hey, gordan. what do you think?
gordan-well, i'd have to say whatever the opposite of what jamie said is the truth. jamie's pretty stupid. and a cokehead. well, that's what i told my mom anyway. hahaha my mom hates you jamie!
(jamie starts to cry)
ryan-jamie, stop being so fucking pathetic
gordan-yeah jamie! jeez, you know we're just kidding.
marley-most of the time we're kidding. sometimes you are pretty stupid.
ryan/gordan/marley-POUND THAT!!
(the boys thrust their fists together, as if they've accomplished something great. jamie goes downstairs, angry, but a lot more sad.)
annnnnndddd...... SCENE!!!!
that's another play i think i'm going to write. it's about a girl named jamie who's 3 male room mates alienate her to the point of depression. her male room mates (gordan, the 'hip' one, ryan, the 'rock star' and marley, the 'genius') seem to get kicks out of making her feel terrible. i don't know how it will end.
yes. this is KIND OF a hyperbole of what happens in my household. not all of it is exagerrated however. some of the things in this fantastic play have actually taken place. sure, the male room mates arn't AS terrible in real life. but they come pretty damn close.
i may not know how jamie will get out of the terrible place she is living in, but i do know how MY hellish arrangement at 1332 dresden row is going to end. as soon as the lease is up (come on july) i will most likely live by myself (well, edie sedgwick will come with me) wherever i can afford to. and i will most likely never associate with any of my awful room mates ever again. i think that will be quite nice.
posted by creep at 2:14 AM
