a beautiful girl can turn your world into dust

this sleepy time tea really works.
i'm exhausted.
andy is my favorite room mate.

i have a problem with worrying what people think of me.
i always wonder what peoples opinions of me are.
they usually aren't what i want them to think of me though.
solution?
no one ever tell me what they think of me. and i'll just try my best not to be an asshole.

i hate you even more than the girl who sits in a chair at punk shows

some were way too drunk
others played last and i didnt like them
one had hypnotic man breasts that bounced while he played his drums
some were sad and made me want to dance with them
one was nice and fed me skittles
while others made me wish they were my friend first, and not my brothers.

it was a good show.
but now i'm at home, listening to the radio and hanging out with edie.
and i must say, i'm enjoying this time just as much.

meghan is nice. lindsay is ridiculous.
everyone is attractive

conservative neighbors

the two doors next to mine belong to an old lady on the left and a family of 4 on the left.

this morning, the head of the household on the right (his name is john) came over to inquire about the piles of garbage and old furniture in my backyard. i took a look, and sure enough piles of furniture and garbage were piled under the tree. i figured andy was behind it somehow. i ensured him it wouldnt be happening a lot. it being piles of garbage essentially behind his house.

expect to see some sort of demonstration including shopping carts,old furniture, and garbage this afternoon somewhere in the downtown area.

crazy old activist andy

buy nothing day, smy smothing smay

tonight i bought pizza for myself and my room mates.
i bought a star magazine AND a celebrity life and style magazine.
and a snickers bar.

tomorrow i plan to buy a ticket to R.U.R.
i also plan to buy cigarettes and groceries.

there are plenty of days that i don't buy things. not for any sort of anti consumerism reason, just because i don't have money. those will count as my 'buy nothing day'
right now i have money, and right now i'm hungry. right now i'm addicted to nicotine and i enjoy feeding my knowledge of celebrity going-ons.
and i just plain love snickers bars.

masked apologies are my favorite

i yelled at harley this evening

he was doing his whole 'i'm going to argue and/or mock everything you say and believe in' and i got pretty angry. i told him i was tired of his criticizing everything i said and then i told him to fuck off. he really didnt say anything, and went to his room.

later, he re-emerged to ask me this:
'if you had the choice to have your brain placed in a computar so it can live forever after your body dies, would you? i'd like to know what you think.'
i kind of think he was apologizing.
and i of course said no. my brain is going to be nothing more than mush by the time i'm about 40 anyway. the only thing i'm going to really have going for me is my body. he laughed at that response.

signing out

i went to visit her in the hospital at 10 this morning.
i got there just in time to hear her being told she was going to die.

i got her some water and she told me to eat some chocolate because i was too thin. she used to be fat. but now's she's too thin.
i told her about my house,my school,my kitten. she was excited about the kitten.
when i got home all i thought about was when i was 9, my grandfather died. my dad was really upset and didnt want to upset us, so we went to her house for the night. she took us to see the horses at her neighbor's farm. then we played scrabble and ate pie.

don't stop the film

i like that song a lot

i felt very nice tonight. maybe it was because my hair looked pretty.
and because harley went to the dome and was in a drunken mess when i got home.

i bought and ate an entire container of 'half baked' ice cream(chocolate and vanilla ice cream with chunks of brownie batter and chocolate chip cookie dough.) that felt good.

6:30 baby

plush,i don't know who you are, and it's killing me

but,plush,whoever you are, i appreciate your concerns.


pst(plush, i'm amy v in case you were wondering)

288 oz.

so
i'm an idiot and missed a midterm today
and i'm awake at 5 am when i have class at 9 and another midterm at 1.
my RSO midterm went well though.
afterwords, i talked to my teacher about my career options. he thinks i should focus on digital media and MIDI.
my ideal job would be creating karaoke tracks.

heather and i had dinner with my parents and my uncle
it was a blast.
after dinner harley and i tested how many glasses of water i could drink in an hour without having to pee.
i drank 24. it was great.

i would like a nice boy who will read to me.
our song will be 'how to disappear completely'
it's a great song

crabs

tonight was a low night.
a lot of people i had taken home/have let take me home.
all in one house.
all of them trying their best to ignore me.
it really makes me re-think the way ive been approaching this.
i was starting to think it really didnt bother me anymore.
but having them all just piled into the same place.
and all of them wanting nothing to do with me.
sucks.
if josh wouldnt have been around to talk to, and if always by bon jovi wouldnt have been played, i would have rather stayed home in bed.

black nylons

i enjoyed the show this evening.

fucking douchebag kyle let edie outside.
fucking douchebag.
jordan caught her

harley called me ugly yesterday.
we were arguing about where minsk is located.
i said russia, he said belarus.
i was wrong. he started gloating.
i called him a self-important, pompous prick.
not serious of course.
then he called me ugly.
but he was serious.

he apologized later, and said i was 'pretty-ish. mediocre style.'
i said thanks. i'm ok with mediocre pretty.

making sure groupies have delicious drinks

today's midterm was much better
my music management and marketing class is funny

after the midterm, i went to gatsby's with a few class mates and drank beer. it was great. i drank a lot. we talked about music and hunter s thompson.

ed(one of the pitcher buying classmates) and i went back to school after drinking lots to play in the studio, but lil wasnt there. im kind of glad he wasnt. i probably would have recorded garbage.

edie scratched the crap out of me. she's like my mother. good with other people, bad around me. but i love her.

claire de lune

the midterm did not go well

but i used step input in pro tools to record claire de lune.
it impressed my teacher

i like my teacher
he saw 'creep' today and told me all about the radiohead concert he got to attend. it was during their ok computar tour.
i like it when i impress him

speed of sound = 764 feet per second

i think my knowledge of recording arts would impress 9th graders at high school dances.

tonight i went for a nice long walk in the south end.
some girls were wearing short skirts and tube tops.
i was decked out in 2 sweaters,a jacket,a scarf and ear muffs.
what troopers.

i then played with edie who attempted to scratched my eyes out many times.
i'm currently studying for my midterm tomorrow. my brain is not retaining anything.
i think i'm going to go to sleep and wing it tomorrow morning.

lindsay, your book will be at subway at 12pm.

syphilis is the enemy

tonight fucking sucked my fucking balls

i read something i really am not emotionally stable enough to have read.
that person is walking in my fucking shoes. regarding someone else. and it hurts more than i've let it hurt in a long time.

what sucks even more was that i automatically wanted to do what i also do in these emotionally crippling situations, which is probably doing nothing but damaging my psychosis even more.

i may be a sinning slave of sensation, but it takes my mind off the fact that i have no feelings for anyone,and that i am so much more afraid of what feelings others have for me. it takes my mind off of it for a few days.

just like $32 of candy takes my mind off of it.
and damn, that candy was good

no longer named 'kitten'

and the kitty's name is
...

edie sedgwick

very fitting
and much better than 'kitten' or 'moo'

kitten

i love how harley says 'kitten'
it's very cute.
makes him seem a little less cold and robotic.
you know, like he does have blood pumping in his veins.

i don't know what to call her. she's very adorable.
i think maybe edie.
that seems very fitting.

i'll just make sure she stays away from the barbituates

sex

i am a robot who smokes excessively and fucks lots of people who never talk to her again

is it bad if it's not really bothering me anymore?

without cigarettes

i haven't gone this long without cigarettes for a long time.
it's surprisingly not as bad as i thought it would be.
however,tomorrow i will smoke as many as possible.

tonight, harley didn't come home. he drank 151 and stayed at a friends house.
jordan gave me the first serious hug this evening. he told me he didnt hate me, which is nice, because i thought he did.

i went to heather's to see the kittens. they are fucking aborable. i think i'm going to take one of the orange ones. i'm thinking or a name for the kitten. it's a boy. i was thinking 'fernando' (katie rawding's idea) or maybe 'thom yorke'. if anyone has suggestions, go ahead.

i think next week i will drink with my room mates and their friends. i think my friends make them uncomfortable.
my friends. make people uncomfortable.
ridiculous